What am I feeling, deep inside?

An angst, an uncomfortable something with no name.

It actually isn't in my head, or my heart, strangely enough.

It feels like it is in my gut. The turmoil is in my gut. That is interesting to think about, what is it trying to tell me? As if the energy I am surrounded by, immersed in, has somehow become so toxic that my whole body is reacting as if on red alert.

This IS the collective angst I feel. It has increased and been amplified by a force, or a source, that acts independently of the whole. It is exerting a type of pressure that translates into everything wrong in this world. If you suddenly start a cleansing diet, if you are not careful, you may even become sicker before you start to feel better, like stirring up a glass of water with dirt in the bottom.

What is it that is exerting this pressure?

Maybe it isn't really something that can be labeled appropriately as good or bad, beneficial or evil. Maybe it is up to us to consciously learn to direct these energies. For just like a laser, it can both heal and kill.

Dreams in which I was driving down a steep hill when the brakes suddenly go out, and that feeling of stepping as hard as I can on them, with no slowing down, and the realization of an imminent crash. Terror, and a sense of being frozen in time, but yet still waking up from the dream to find out I am ok, I am still alive.

Maybe, just maybe, this is a natural cycle we are in, but we have become so ill that it feels like we are dying. And that we feel a sense of terror that the brakes aren't working anymore. What used to work just isn't working anymore. But what if, what if, that imminent crash is not the end, and just the beginning?

This reminds me of so many other things. In astrology, each of the signs, houses, and planets have attributes, going in both directions on the scale of beneficial and detrimental. And it all depends on the circumstances in which these energies are coming into play. Once you learn the nature of these energies, and an ability to read the map that shows you where you are at in your life astrologically, you can then begin to apply your own type of pressure and influence, so that the energies at work in your life have some direction of your conscious choice.

I would imagine, not having a totally clear recollection of either, that both birth and death have similar attributes. I know in astrology it is no accident that Pluto, it's astrological sign Scorpio, and the eighth house which is its home, are all associated with birth, death, sex, and, strangely it seems, other people's money. When thinking of other people's money, I also think of money as a form of energy. It's a standin for something of value. Having been present during both the birth and death process, I know that they both have one thing in common. A sense of entering darkness and not being able to breath. I have this strange thought about how both would benefit by preparation for the event, as in learning to communicate with your body, and all your cells, to establish a link, a lifeline of sorts, so that the experience can be one of exhilaration and even joy, rather than fear and panic, and the resulting trauma. Maybe that's what happened when consciousness divided itself from the nothing, to the something. And then divided itself again from something into multiple somethings.

And now, this is starting to sound very kabbalistic. I think I will further this line of thinking, but will stop for now. I know I'm going somewhere with this, but even I am not sure yet. We'll see where it goes...

Just read this to my husband. We both agree, we've cracked a lot of eggs. I'll explain later...

This is beautiful and of course sobering and frightening.

I woke up thinking about how some people try so hard to rescue others. A case to consider I suppose is my spouse keeping his "death watch" re: an alcoholic friend from high school. It has been very hard for me to consider, how much of our mutual time is being given to this third party.

But Ken is dying. I am insensitive -- the big former Christian missionary grandkid familiar with the military, I am unable to see the worth of their friendship in the shadow of death.

I fail to see that the point of these relationships is not what we can take from the dying but rather what we give to them.

Right now I have a very bitter neighbor who has serious kidney or liver issue (Hepatitis? ?). Like anytime he hears signs of life in our bathroom area he bangs loudly or turns water on.

It's easy to hate him. That's what Satan wants, too.

But he's dying, has no life, and I really am failing the test of compassion.

It really hurts though to see compassionate people hurting.

In fact it's almost like a test from God. I wanted very much to help you guys not suffer so much this winter. Instead i got to be surrounded by morons and trashed my car over an asshole who decided I was no longer lovable.

Bible says to love our enemy.
It's so hard!!! It's like wtf...

Maybe we gotta learn to love ourselves even when we are weak, angry, confused, sick. If we spend even 5% of the day hating ourselves, it's indicative of greater waste elsewhere! !!!


Sorry to rant.

The body has billions of years of fear stored in it. Not just in the guts. There are horrible tensions all over the place inside the body. I'm pretty sure that over time the nervous system numbs out much of those tensions. Tensions result in confusion which in turn results in fear, because the mind is conditioned to move into fear in order to try to resolve the confusion.

The trick out that trap it seems to me is to move into confusion consciously and from there go deeper to reveal the hidden tensions inside the mind and the body so that conscious attention can start to dissolve the tensions. Easier said than done since the mind has a tremendous momentum of moving into fear. And fear is better than confusion, so the mind just keeps building fear and protection.

We might be at a point in history where there is a major shift going on, as Bruce Lipton explains in this video:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lIQv90CZGo[/youtube]

I was about to bitch and liken the billions of years thing to LRonism but then I re read your post. Nothing you said conflicts with evolution really.

So why not listen instead of argue. Lol what's wrong with me.

PS: I really miss our cat Simba today. He passed away recently, but he has a huge place in my heart forever. He taught me more about unconditional love than many people. He even had a problem with marking territory in the house as he got older. My inner struggle over this was actually quite priceless. A big being in a small body. And the love generated and experienced in action, both during the struggle surrounding his birth, his numerous near death experiences during his adventurous life, as well as his passing, cannot be adequately expressed with words. Thank you too...

Even if this is a hologram, it does not in any way take away from the potential growth and learning available for us all, and I really do feel it is a choice we make, moment by moment, whether to love and have faith, or whether to fear and to hate. And that goes for self and what appears to be other. I'm not really religious anymore, though I was brought up very religious. One thing I have always found valuable in contemplating was the biblical passage where Jesus is explaining about love, and how easy it is to love our fiends (LOL, typo or Freudian slip, it's supposed to be friends) and family, but how much more valuable that love can become when extended beyond those boundaries. How much more growth is experienced in learning to "love one's enemies". And I try to apply this to what I see as happening in the world, as I witness unprecedented, for me anyway, destruction of life, all over the planet. Can I love all, without necessarily condoning their actions?

At this point, I cannot say that I can. I can forgive "other me's" out there, in different times, stages of development and understanding, and perhaps even completely different realities. But in this world right now, I cannot honestly say I love those who continue to harm without conscience. Those who perpetrate violence on those least able to protect themselves. Those who are unable to feel remorse, and those who actually enjoy the suffering of others. I admit, at this time I have found I cannot love them. And, I want to be able to speak up. When I was going through some psychology classes I remember in one of them reading about the woman who was murdered in front of a big apartment complex with I can't remember how many people looking on from their windows. It went on for some long time, and not one person lifted a finger to help. That is not the kind of world I want to live in.

But I want what I say to be heard, and not just reacted to. Communication, especially with words, is probably one of the most difficult tasks to be encountered in life. It's always risky, and no matter the effort, there are no guarantees. I have spoke my heart out to people on occasion only to have them look me in the eye and say "I don't know what you mean...". There is a point on occasion where it is best to just walk away.

So, it's not just those who do bad things that make this world the way it is. It is also the masses of us who will not overcome our fears to do what in our hearts we know is the right thing. My, what a rant. Oh well, the Internet is back on so I will finally, finally, end this.

and So It Is.....I agree and to top it off I believe that Love is not accepting behavior that harms others and confronting this ugly violence in every way possible without perpetrating it! Easy to say not so easy to do, alas.

Maybe we could do what the Inuit in the North used to do with those who after opportunity to change, chose not to change their violent and harmful ways.........they would be placed on an ice floe and pushed away ......

The Information Superhighway, The Feeling of Absurdity, Something is Inherently Wrong, Buried in a Snowstorm… (globalresearch.ca):

“Few people at this hour – and I refer to the time before the breaking out of this most grim war, which is coming to birth so strangely, as if it did not want to be born – few, I say, these days still enjoy that tranquility which permits one to choose the truth, to abstract one in reflection. Almost all the world is in tumult, is beside itself, and when man is beside himself he loses his most essential attribute: the possibility of meditating, or withdrawing into himself to come to terms with himself and define what it is he believes and what it is that he does not believe; what he truly esteems and what he truly detests. Being beside himself bemuses him, blinds him, forces him to act mechanically in a frenetic somnambulism.” -Ortega Y Gasset “The Self and the Other”

I respect you so much, Spiritwind. You, here on EE, remind me of me... at a time when I was much more free with my inner journey. You are more eloquent, but (as you know) sometimes your words describe my own current experiences so accurately I sit in awe.

I'm so sorry about your furry family member's passing. Gosh, that is painful.

And yes, even though this life, and this experience, is a dream... a game... a thought form of Universe... it is so very, very vivid. Otherwise, what learning would occur? What growth? And what would be the point? ...

Much Love to you, my friend.

Oh...and... What am I feeling? That's a question I ask myself constantly... I hear ya.

Since no one mentioned the incident in London,

Back in 2000 i think, summer, my English class @ high school toured England.

We saw the London Eye, Big Ben etc, crossed the bridge after visiting the Westminster Abbey.

While visiting the Abbey, I had a real weird empathic experience, could not stop crying for 20 minutes or so after passing by the Shakespeare Monument and Handel's placard on the opposite side of the chamber.

The other students who actually noticed (i tried to avoid the group in abbey lol) were wondering why I was crying.

That my mom loved Handel was not enough explanation... it was just one of those weird things!!

But so much culture and history packed into one small room, it was overwhelming.

I feel very bad for the innocent bystanders who were hit on the bridge and the cop who was stabbed to death was a beautiful man with wife and children.

My town is actually really close to a race war and this sort of news/terrorism disgusts me.

Also the 3/22 attack in London, same date CNN announced a lawsuit against Saudi Arabia for supposedly funding 9/11.

Why am i not surprised that anytime Bush's friends are in the media, we have more terrorism?