I wrote the following a few days ago and thought I wouldn't post it, but felt the nudge to do so today. Just me trying to put words to something that isn't easy to convey. And it's not about hope, it's about what is real to me and maybe to others too. It has helped make a world that feels almost intolerable at times, due to the recognition that we are each of us forced to adapt to such a dualistic world that is kind of crazy making, especially if you actually have trouble looking around at what you see. Some of us do indeed see through different eyes. It's like living in two worlds at once and feeling both of them as real and of value. In fact, it is the contrast between the two that gives me so much to reflect about.

I've had kind of an interesting morning that probably won't translate well into language. You see, I have adopted a different lens through which I may look that interprets my experience here in such a dramatically different way than that which I was programmed with. It's like I've written new software. I don't always "see" or perceive my world this way, but it's like I can at any time choose to turn the dial to this channel. It's like a back channel, one that people don't normally perceive.

What I actually do, in practice, I realized, is I just begin talking to that original creative intelligence that has brought the physical realms, at least this one, into manifestation. I simply address this intelligence as just that, loving creative intelligent energy from which all life springs forth from. I also have the sense that this doesn't include all the subsequent manipulations that have occurred, by beings not aware of their original connection to this loving source of all life.

But this intelligence had shown me in picture form that, in truth, all life, both that which is creative, and that which is destructive, both emanate from the same source. And that we cannot exercise true free will until we have literally experienced all that which we may call into our realities, and therefore learn freedom of choice by understanding what it is we are choosing through our accrued experiences. Through these experiences we gain true wisdom. True wisdom always comes at a cost. Suffering is part of the spectrum of choices we must experience to truly understand. The creator learns through all of our experiences and all the myriad of life forms also transmit information about it self, as it is holographically experienced through our shared consciousness. In other words, this connection to source, and the ability to both send and receive information from this source has never left us. We just forgot about it, and had ourselves purposely programmed to experience ourselves as if cut off from source. This was needed to fully understand what it is to be incarnate in any kind of a physical form of an expanded and evolving nature. The natural world is the backdrop for our experiences and was part of the thoughts into form process that goes all the way back to first thought.

If you tune into this energy flow, you will, I feel, discover as I have that we are always loved. We are always held in highest esteem for our willingness to experience the full spectrum of all that is. And once we learn that we can indeed tune easily into this energy that has actually been there all along, we can have daily conversations that are very uplifting in nature. An added possible benefit is the occasional miracle. But, and this is a big but. There are many who hold the thought that since we are the creators of our individual spheres of experience that coalesce into a greater cosmic ocean of experience, we can somehow sidestep suffering. What I have noticed does not support that concept. What I have noticed is that there are those who seem to have done the most inner work I have seen get hit with the biggest dose of suffering as well, somewhere along the line. In other words, they each seem to experience a period of time where they feel completely unsupported by those forces they have come to rely on being there. They have done the work, and spent considerable time cleaning out their closets. That is actually when they are most ready to experience the very worst that life can throw at them, to see that the true inner strength must come from within, and can only be accessed by walking through the proverbial fires of their last remaining fears. These fears, I have noticed, almost always pertain to the most basic elements of life here. Can we choose to be here, even when we feel we have been forsaken.

Now, I am not really any religion any more, but I do perceive an energy that seems to embody this concept. Many would say it is the Christ energy, that which has already experienced and transmuted suffering, has no residual trauma to heal, and is able to shed light upon our way. Some might even religiously claim it is the meaning of what many believe were the historical being called Jesus Christ's last words on the cross about having been forsaken (depending on which version since there is more than one). But I have seen that after the proverbial walking on coals, they seem to come out the other side tempered in a way that defies explanation, and with humility hard one and a will that cannot be shaken. Some might even look back on these experiences and say, "yes, I chose that too".

I don't know why these waves of knowing always have to hit me when I am getting ready to go out and feed everyone. So I'll just jot down a few thoughts before I go out. I am going to expand on what I wrote above, risking I'm not sure what by the telling, but it seems important anyway.

You see, I had a troubled childhood that in many ways was not unique at all. Many of us have had troubled childhoods, and even those who say they didn't somehow still know intrinsically something was still not right about it, even though they may not be able to put their finger on what that is.

My daughter, for example, as far as I know never experienced sexual abuse as a child, although I do feel I arrived in time to stop what I intuitively knew was imminent. She was never physically assaulted. We talk about this, as even she has started to pick up on the different energy signatures people carry and that one can learn to read. The energy of sexual abuse actually can be read. As well as many other types of abuse.

Even if you haven't experienced it in this lifetime, you can bet you have in others, and since we carry the memories of all our ancestors all the way back, it most certainly is in our DNA, and our very blood that courses through our veins. This memory that we have been traumatized into forgetting is the very source of all that ails us. Both me and my daughter have picked up on at least one shared lifetime in which she died in a fire and I was unable to help her. Her father, in this lifetime, was severely sexually abused by his own father. My great great grandfather, CD Hillman (on my moms father's side), was a total scoundrel, treated his wife and family in a very denigrating way. No wonder they all grew up to be so dysfunctional. And he was rich! (There is much more to that story)

If you look at a picture of his mother, which I have, you will see immediately that she was a very hard woman. And both his mother and father died very young. I have another picture of my great great grandmother (on my moms mother's side) sitting in front of a log cabin from sometime in the mid 1800's. She looks positively fierce, and I've heard that indeed she was. Then I think about my middle child's father, and the stories I've heard about his mother growing up on the Choctaw Indian reservation back in the day, and how she grew up to hide her heritage for many years, due to discrimination. And the poverty she experienced.

And then my eldest child's grandmother on his dad's side also has stories to tell about growing up during the depression in Oklahoma, and her experience of severe poverty. I could go on and on, as I have done enough research into my past to know that it generally wasn't a picnic for anybody.

And I think about my two oldest children, and their fathers. You see, I lived a very dysfunctional life in most respects for many years until I figured a few things out. But I do notice and remember patterns. My daughter has faired much better, for even though she lost her father to prostate cancer when she was only fourteen, she has had her stepdad in her life since she was six and fortunately by then I had figured a few things out. He has been an outstanding and solid rock in her life, for which I am immensely grateful. Her two brothers, on the other hand, did not have well functioning father figures in their life, and it really shows. They are both good hearted people, and have mostly come to terms with the fact that I just didn't have the skills to do any better. The oldest still has his father in his life, and at least is able to continue to heal his relationship there. My other son lost his father when he was sixteen and still has much to heal there.

The reason I am going on about all of this is my observations about the wide gap between our ideal of what a family should look like, how it really is, and then, factor in where they (those who are actually steering the social narrative behind the scenes) are trying to take us in the future.

Because there is something going on there, and it is rarely discussed in a totally open and honest way. There has always been two flows of energy that is operating here. There is the flow that is healing in nature. It tends to return balance, and a sense of wholeness, therefore is holistic in nature. It nurtures, it loves, it has compassion.

Then there is the flow that is the opposite in nature. It tears asunder, it destroys, it separates. It expresses itself through a myriad of different forms, but all grows from the same tree. It is not the tree of life. It is the tree of duality. Whoops. I carried on far longer than I intended. I'll come back to this after I get done with my chores.

Ok, I'm back. So, let's see, where did I leave off. Ah, yes, the flow. And the tree. Ok, the tree of good and evil is really the tree of experiencing a contrast between these two opposites in big enough doses to determine which fruit we want to eat and cultivate in our lives. So this tree offers experiences in which one must bump up against that which is anti-life, and anti-love, which is where you get lots of war, misery, and inequality. Anytime you see good people really trying to change this dynamic, you will see them eventually encountering great opposition. When all else fails, they will be infiltrated in a sneaky manner that they often don't recognize due to their very nature not being in synch with this infiltrating energy. They may sense something amiss, but will often give the benefit of the doubt because that's how love generally operates. It allows and withholds judgment, until the evil is clearly seen. And by then it is often to late.

Then there is the tree of life. It just exudes creative life force energy, for that is where creation takes place. Not the manipulation and modification of that which has already been created, but a genuine wellspring of new inspiration. That's where you get these ideals of balance, equality, a desire to care for all and alleviate suffering. It's where the idea of the perfect family arises, but not the Leave It To Beaver type. It's the ideal that two people in love decide to come together to share life and all that goes with it. This often includes children, various shared responsibilities, and an understanding that it is the working together to share the load of life's responsibilities, and an innate respect for one another, and the ability to forgive and move on for the sake and benefit of the whole. This is a great ideal. To go even further, many indigenous peoples across the planet understand the concept of community and extended family, to the point where children are raised by everyone, and the elders are valued for their experience and hard won wisdom.

But that is not the past most of us originate from at all. Just do a little research on the historical concept of marriage and you'll see where I'm going with this.

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So, we have this ideal in our heads, and more and more people are coming to this understanding. My husband and I have this kind of marriage, surprisingly enough. He is comfortable in his own body, and with who he is as a man and a person. I think it interesting to note he had an outstanding and loving relationship with his mother. I have not had much in my current life background, but for some reason have an innate understanding of what this type of equality and partnership should look like, and we are pretty close to that ideal. But it isn't the norm at all. I see even young women in relationships with overbearing men who still believe men should rule the roost. Now, this isn't to criticize, but merely to make an observation and ask how this mindset continues to prevail.

And I have even seen strong women who are very unbalanced rule by subversion and downright meanness, so it isn't just men. But what I'm really getting at is that even with all we know, certain ideas that would seem to be almost common sense, to people like me at least, are taught about in college classes (I know, because I took them), and yet not really done by the majority in practice, in real life. And I feel the reason we keep chasing our tails around and around, is because we never identify and work with the cause. And that is the need for generational healing of all those ancestral memories that remain unhealed. We need to bring them more into the open, and talk about them.

And this isn't about this ridiculous trend to make the notion of men and women, and family obsolete. That is a different topic. Although it does play into it somewhat. But we won't go there right now. I have a good male friend who is in his forties who just now feels he is making headway in healing his relationship with his father, understanding the difference between his unmet expectations and reality, and choosing to heal and go beyond. My husband and I even talk about his relationship with his own father. And this isn't about bashing anyone, it's about talking about what is real. His father was very much a product of the times he lived in, as are we all. My mother, too, was a very mixed bag of things I appreciated, and things I didn't. But I did have to feel them, even talk about them, to heal them. And that also doesn't mean going on for years regurgitating the same complaints about how rough life has been. It means feeling what was too painful to feel at the time it occurred without judgment, and the conscious choice to heal that pain and release it. I can vouch for how amazing and empowering that process can be.

I will probably veer off here to talk more about this process when I come back. I'm not sure, but I feel the reason I wish to share this here, is because everyday I meet people who carry these unhealed traumas, and often don't even know that's what it is. It does contribute to such things as addictions, depression, lack of energy, feelings of despair, and even physical illness. So the need to heal is more than just some fancy imaginings of a crazy woman, I hope at least. If I am now crazy I choose crazy over normal any day. I guess I also think it is up to us to see what we have not seen, and take responsibility, each of us in our own way, to heal those traumas, if we really wish to see a better world. Those psychopathic people in charge of this reality, in many respects anyway, are not going to change no matter how outraged and divided people become. We actually play into their agenda. And people stimulated to rage can be easily influenced to serve a purpose that is probably not what they would really wish to support if they knew. Try talking to someone in a fit of rage in a rational and calm manner and see how far you get. You generally have to wait until they spend their energy and exhaust themselves before you can even begin communication. At least, that has been my experience most of the time. I'll be back.

Spiritwind wrote:My daughter, for example, as far as I know never experienced sexual abuse as a child, although I do feel I arrived in time to stop what I intuitively knew was imminent. She was never physically assaulted. We talk about this, as even she has started to pick up on the different energy signatures people carry and that one can learn to read. The energy of sexual abuse actually can be read. As well as many other types of abuse.

I might call this something different, like reading the signs of intent. Sociopaths typically have bad intent hidden behind a mask of normality. Sexual abuse of a child is a monstrous betrayal of the normally natural parent-child trust. That trust is built upon empathy, and wherever empathy is not present in the adult, that trust is readily undermined, and at great cost to the vulnerable child.

Spiritwind wrote:Those psychopathic people in charge of this reality, in many respects anyway, are not going to change no matter how outraged and divided people become. We actually play into their agenda. And people stimulated to rage can be easily influenced to serve a purpose that is probably not what they would really wish to support if they knew.

Quite right. This is that dynamic interaction between organized sociopaths and the various types of non-sociopaths that I spoke of in my last post. Sociopaths create a problem (or division), we react emotionally as they expect, then they present their prepared solution to us while we are in our weakened emotional state. Problem - reaction - solution. It works almost every time. Why? Because sociopaths see the dynamic, and most non-sociopaths do not.

I might call this something different, like reading the signs of intent. Sociopaths typically have bad intent hidden behind a mask of normality. Sexual abuse of a child is a monstrous betrayal of the normally natural parent-child trust. That trust is built upon empathy, and wherever empathy is not present in the adult, that trust is readily undermined, and at great cost to the vulnerable child.

I understand what you are saying. Sexual abuse is a monstrous betrayal in every way, but in actuality I feel it's a little more complicated than that. I cannot prove what I am about to say, and I already wrote about this in another thread I started some time ago. I would post the link here, but I already went out on a limb there, describing quite personal stories and don't want to go there again. You may think it is only people with no empathy that can engage in these behaviors. I'm not so sure of that anymore, because if you have been severely abused yourself it leaves you very open and vulnerable to manipulation, especially if you drink alcohol and take pills to numb the pain that really never goes away.

In the above situation with my daughter, had I acted only on my fears, it would have turned out badly. I actually had a strong premonition, as well as awareness of intent, but it actually felt as if the spirit of the persons deceased father was the actual being with intent. I actually saw a scene play out in my head and decided it felt ominous enough that I had to act, and I did. And all I really did was show up unexpectedly and pushed my energy out into the room. I could actually even feel the energy leaving. I know that all sounds really weird, but I feel certain to this day that had I not shown up there the story would have been an entirely different one.

And that is kind of what I am talking about here, changing our stories. To me that's what all this educating ourselves is all about. We don't do it because we enjoy seeing such a miserable truth about what has really been going on here for eons of time. We do it because somehow we know that seeking the truth about ourselves, our true history, and our true predicament here is what arms us with the ability to change our course.

And it has been two fold for me. I did spend a number of years, probably about twenty or so, looking at everything from chemtrails, HAARP, the banking institutions, the royal families and how it really hasn't even changed much in all this time, as far as the families who are running the show. And that's not counting the unseen realm that has most certainly been influencing and manipulating what we see playing out. I looked at the Kennedy assassination, 9/11, little factoids about why we really got into all those wars. Then there's GMO's, Agenda 21, obviously dangerous oil pipelines crisscrossing our most pristine areas of what is left of our natural resources, the sheer negligence of what happened with the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still ongoing, Fukushima still spewing radioactive waste into our oceans, vaccines they are trying to make mandatory. Then there is the ridiculous story they tried to sell us about Osama Bin Laden and throwing his body out to sea. Yes, it does go on and on and on, long after the thrill is long gone.

One thing I noticed while I was researching for endless hours is that many people discussing these topics were actually not well balanced at all, and had not done much if any inner work. So they had many blind spots. The more blind spots you have, the easier you are to manipulate. This is still something I work on everyday. Each of us has them, or we wouldn't be here. And when I hear someone smugly imply they've somehow already arrived at this "place", I want to run. Because they can be the worst of all. I won't mention any names, as some are wont to do, but many of us shared space on the Internet with just such a person. Hopefully we learned from that. I will probably always be in learning mode. Yes, helping interested people in getting up to speed on the reality of things here is a worthy endeavor. But I have to really pay attention to where I put my time and energy these days, for we are indeed in an all out war. And it is a war for our minds.

That is why I blab on endlessly about all this stuff having to do with the trauma's we literally carry in our bodies. Many of the strange idiosyncrasies we have in our personality can be traced to other lives. When I first saw my daughter having a sort of panic attack because I turned the air conditioner on in the car and it blew hot air at first I could have just written it off. But we both were willing to explore it. Even if some of what I remember is ancestral memories, or even implanted memories (since we know they can do that sort of thing, and I do have some anomalous memories I can't explain), it can still be of value to allow them to surface and take the time to see what it reveals to you. If you feel more energized and empowered within yourself, then no matter where they come from it can be a good thing to release them from the dungeons of our deep inner psyches.

This wasn't really where I intended to go, but I guess it's ok to meander a bit.

Spiritwind wrote:You may think it is only people with no empathy that can engage in these behaviors. I'm not so sure of that anymore, because if you have been severely abused yourself it leaves you very open and vulnerable to manipulation, especially if you drink alcohol and take pills to numb the pain that really never goes away.

I have seen cases where the victims of abuse at the hands of a sociopath have adopted the same behavioral patterns as their abuser and abused others more vulnerable than themselves in turn. So I realize that people with empathy can be sociopathic. The Dutch banker is another example.

Spiritwind wrote:One thing I noticed while I was researching for endless hours is that many people discussing these topics were actually not well balanced at all...

I am continually astounded by this myself. Even worse, many of these unbalanced people present themselves as balanced and complete, shining examples of what the rest of us should try to attain. But it's a deception, and I can understand the desire to run. It is indeed a "fight or flight" situation.

Spiritwind wrote:When I first saw my daughter having a sort of panic attack because I turned the air conditioner on in the car and it blew hot air at first I could have just written it off. But we both were willing to explore it.

What did you learn?