Exposing myself - a near-blind "control" for comparison

[Naga_Fireball]

Seems like the other family has lots of issues. Are you sure dealing with all that darkness and gunk is the best fit for your future & energy?

Lol @ the snake in the crack story, my cousin ian told one like that, but his was a lizard supposedly peeking out of a log. It's possible it was a rodent.

...

Re trauma, mpd, alters, and Mk ultra ish stuff.
Have you asked Ness about imaginary friends, media personalities or creations with which she may have identified, ie alters that were not necessarily of her own creation?

When that Bob freak was doing his stalking of me, one of the things he tried was posting pictures from Disney movies I was shown at critical ages. Over on Avalon, he did it once with Peter Pan, and his jiminii off leash friend over here kept saying Snow White over and over in one of his recent posts.


Do you get my point with that or do i need to say more?

And sorry to ask but when you say "we" do you mean yourself, you & ness, the human collective, or ...?

This is a super interesting thread, hope my questions are ok here. It's not a light hearted subject , hope you can forgive my bluntness.

[Phil]

Your questions are all always ok...even if they're not it's why I am posting publicly, keep them coming

Who knows if "I'm dealing with darkness the right way"? I like to think so, I'm dragging it out into the light. I have found success (or she grew up on her own) in convincing ness that is an important thing to do.

The future? Often I wonder if it's worth it, especially as I tried getting out a couple years knowing I was probably not going to enjoy a role in raising 3 (self absorbed image obsessed pro-level lying) teenage girls, but here I am. It's good for them, for sure...they'd rather live here than with daddy...even recognizing my resentment

I certainly wouldn't choose this situation if given a re-do, it's a bit much...but then again I wouldn't be here, having learned so much, I do love who I am today, so love my family (as much as a pain in the ass it can be), and do love Ness...we have a lot of fun it's not all dark just the shit I share tends to be--I don't really come out and write for happiness and sharing positivity so much.

As to the programming, it's funny...she can't stand to watch anything animated. She's seen some Disney I guess but not like me, I had little mermaid and lion king memorized in pubescence, I loved that shit.

She is obsessed with having the teevee on, especially at night (to distract from the critters & stuff she sees and hears). I'm way too into myself, but much better than when I was a kid, and battle her to get to her see how bad it is (which is tough, as watching half/three quarters as much as her is a sick amount, I'm a bad example), especially the news

I feel a vibe from broadcast news that is not healthy, an get irritated when I am home on mornings with her. She seems to think the weather is better there than the internet so has it on while doing her makeup. Ugh it's so gross, she knows to turn it off it's like the Hulk I get irratated and angry upon exposure.

She has a thing about Smurfs when she was small there was some South American serial killer that left smurf toys with the victims and that spoiler her to this day she gets upset at the sight of them.

[Phil]

I hope I answered some of the questions, I'm not too clear on a couple...the mkultra One and the "we"....I'm not sure which of my ramblings you mean

I forgot to mention in the post that it was a reflection on the conversation I had with her dad that I detailed here:

http://openuptoday.freeforums.net/thread/35/vanessa" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Sorry I forgot to mention that I sorta got lost in what I was writing. That was a neat experience, he was interesting to talk to. Any psychopathic tendencies he has are completely self-absorbed/narsassitic...he's not a sadist for the sake of it, though I can see how he'd be difficult daddy to be raised by

[Christine]

Hello Phil, and Lady Naga_Fireball ... I don't have time to write all I would like to. Please keep the conversation going. I am seeing so deeply into "the agenda" and with Max Spiers "death" even more so, you are touching on the vital pieces to unlocking the puzzle, hidden in plain sight. Oh, getting emotional here, I will write more soon. Love you both so much.

[Naga_Fireball]

Hugs for you both.
I feel like my wording was bitchy. It's probably a trust issue. For a long time my default assumption has been, "hostile world". It tends to taint interactions with people I don't know well.


Perhaps, if I may suggest. Modern psychology terms are pretty precise But they are also impersonal and dehumanizing.

Adopting any of those embarrassing labels, in and of itself, can cause more psychosis. Some people are self conscious to a fault, to where any criticism is magnified and the pesky " narrative" just gets longer, because it is very often a defense mechanism.

We are not all knowing, but the mind hates blind spots and in a bad mindset "fills them in" with all kinds of shit.

I sincerely believe that fixating less on those labels and instead Re-Directing Ness toward the healthier pathways.

If she can just feel comfortable in her flawed and fallible meat suit (Lol!) Long enough to grow as a person, not being shrunk down overwashed and beaten up by labels (its OK to think things without saying them; I struggle with this too), she might be able to Let Go.

Ironically sometimes the process of identifying and working on our terrible human faults can make them worse.


Before people were so confined by words they cared more about the work itself. Healing takes work beyond talk. I might never figure it out myself but if I could change one thing about myself, it would be to become less dependent on communication and more used to action.

Whining is how to get someone else to do work. Ness needs to do her own work and learn to let you have some peace IMO.


I'm a huge fucking busy body BTW. @@
Kind of wishing others would wade into the deeper water with us. I'm over my head lol

[Phil]

Heh...my writing is an open invitation to busybodies, I wouldn't put it out there if I didn't want feedback. And you're doing great, not in over your head--you are absolutely correct on many important points in this post where you claim to be.

I can see self consciousness (and/or need for approval) be a solid reason for elaborating on a narrative, though the type of thing I am looking at is the ability for the liar to seemingly begin to BELIEVE the lies.

My ex was similar (but different) in so many ways (yes I am a "rescuer', and have done my homework on the subject....I'm working on it ), and one time after it was way over and we sorting out ending our marriage she had a moment of lucidity where I knew I was talking to HER, and she was being as honest with me as she'd ever been.

I asked her about the incident that she claimed was the reason she sat in jail, which made her have to use her step sister's name around town for some reason, some elaborate tale of her parents setting her up and screwing her. She looks at me and says: I can't even remember which story I told you, let alone the one of what actually happened.

So it starts as defense mechanism...in the "casual" cases it could be self consciousness and need for approval and other superficial things...but the most drastic cases, like you say...it is a defense mechanism: learning to "go to your happy place" when something horrible is happening to you"....and when it happens as a little kid, how easy for that learned behavior to become an imprinted physical mechanism for dealing with things?

My ex had the extreme defiance to authority personality, that clashed with the mother that was a secondary psychopath type, the bootstrapping woman who was always in denial of her 'victimhood" when she used it passive aggressively as she compensated with open aggressive hostility to anyone who opposed anything she thought. The shrinks would have you believe there was serious bad wiring, and that may be the case, but you need the combination I think, the trauma with the physical predisposition, to love to lie so much you do it by default...in many cases when it doesn't even serve you (or anyone), only self destruction.

The thing with Ness is that she is comfortable (vain, even) in her body, loves life and especially people....but being the "black sheep" of family crushed her. The family is SO important to them and they ingrained how great it is (they are) and how she doesn't stack up. She is the true victim of all of the ones she learned to look up to and respect and need approval from the members (mom, sis's, even daddy--who was rejected by the fam)...and part of that game is "accepting her" when she is good or they need to put on a show for outsiders, so it is a really sick game NOW...I can't imagine navigating that as a kid, alone.

But you are also right in that she quit the whining and commit to the work, it is my biggest apprehension, the lie I get every time I put my foot down and try to move on. She swears she will, even comes up with innovative way (showing she IS capable), but even as Christine has seen in the brief vid chat we had one time, she just can't make that leap.

Though we have been taking serious steps toward walking to that edge, she has made lots of progress...life builds up the obstacles and distractions keeping us in that limbo at the edge, but I have a laser focus and have gotten her to understand that so the bullshit and patterns are being broken so that each time there's some crazy drama we are getting to the point where it has got to give...and meaningful change takes place.

Not saying that one of these that meaningful change will be calling quits, but for now that does not serve us, so we move together, often forward, always growing...me projecting my need to seek out and deal with lies. Yeah focusing on our faults CAN make them worse, if you are in love with those parts of yourself...or in this case....are in love with the image you've always projected. I think deep down all of us know that the truth will always surface, love is truth and humans thrive from it in ways superficial bullshit never provides