But how does a person learn grace without suffering?
Too often, the picture of grace we are given (at least in the White World lol) is of a cherubic and clueless young girl or woman. She appears to be wealthy and pampered, yet somehow imbued with infinite virtue and potential.
Anyone today who has met a teenage girl knows how silly that ancient image has become, in the context of our times.
Grace really can't be bought, and honestly, it rarely comes without suffering.
The reason for this post? My inspiration? I was hungry and cooked myself breakfast. Although I do not come from a typical high income sort of family, in many ways I was a spoiled child. I saw other people struggling to do the work of many people and did not learn how to effectively help them.
Now that I'm in my thirties, in some ways I am practically retarded. I lack the simple self-care skills that make normal life livable for the average person. My house is dirty, disorganized, does not reflect an active social schedule or a purpose for living. Mostly because it is a place of desperation and not grace.
For the first 5 weeks I lived in this apartment, you were more likely to hear the word "fuck" than "grace". A person who is unused to hard work and lacking a good attitude in times of hardship tends to complain a lot.
Now, I don't really complain to you guys about physical hardship. I pretend to be cool with it and that it is just another challenge to be conquered. But honestly, I'm tired. I'm not a kid anymore and can't pretend to be youthful under the type of stress my family is facing.
This morning I realized that relatively, I have it very easy. Yes, I'm poor, but not as poor as many other people. I am limited in terms of how far I can travel, due to the cost of gasoline and the condition of my car. But that is because I have not been working.
Work, honestly, is one of the things that brings grace into our lives. It's hard to infer that by staring at a picture of a swaddled and euphoric teenaged girl from classical times.
Grace is having lines on your face but still smiling, like Mother Teresa. It is having one leg to stand on but still dancing inside. Grace is being able to see things from the perspective of another person, whether they are "as worthy as me" or not. Grace is being decent enough in and of ourselves that we are prepared to help unexpectedly.
Grace and self pity can't coexist in the same life. Grace walks hand in hand with self respect and self care, that stems from a general respect for life and desire to nurture.
It is plain to me that I lack grace in my life, in certain areas, particularly the home. Too often our homes are defined by the shadows of our problems and not the light of hope.
Hope and diligence are sisters. Together with grace and mercy they are an unstoppable force, your personal army and chariot of four horses.
We are nothing without the virtues that guide us forward, but as these virtues come from within, and are tested by moments and periods of hardship, we don't know ourselves well until real Sh*t hits the fan in our personal lives.
Those who attempt to traumatize us and demean us are not just assaulting ourselves and our sensibilities. They are attacking the very foundations of virtue. That is not the type of suffering I consider healthy or useful, but it can certainly be illuminating to the group.
For instance, betrayal in the workplace or church, betrayal in our intimate relationships, betrayal in our field of interest. The assailants of virtue are the proverbial mail bomb waiting at random to blow up in our collective faces. It is hard to know when an attack on the self may come and from whom. But what we do know is how we hope to respond to such things.
Hope is not a guarantee, but it is stronger than hate. Hate works wonders for a while, but then it runs out of fuel. And what is the fuel of hate? A misguided self image. Hope is the forerunner of grace, yet ironically it needs to see grace in order to grow. Like the cycle of a seed being exposed to the sun's warmth and blossoming into a flowering plant.
I really love you guys and hope for the best for all of us. Please remember my son and his safety and happiness. It has been about a month now since I've seen him.
But please also remember me, remember you, and live with enough grace to be good to yourself and grateful to God or whoever is out there helping us.
Dang it feels like Sunday morning in here. Lol
